and I want it all....

I am smart. I know this. I have gone to school for twenty years. That, in and of itself, isn't what makes me smart--anyone can go to school. I would like to think I'm savvy and fairly street smart. I definitely have a good deal of common sense. People come to me looking for answers. My friends turn to me, often, for advice. My kids ask me questions that I know the answers to, and if I don't know the answer, I find it for them. Whenever I take one of those internet quizes on current events, I do really well. I read the paper (on-line), I watch the news, I keep up with most of what is going on in the world. I am invloved. When I was a kid, I was identified as "gifted". So, all of these factors lead me to believe that I am smart.

I'm smart, and yet, I have no freakin' idea what to do at the moment.

I love my girls, and given the opportunity, I would want to be a full-time, stay-at-home mom, who does some meaningful volunteer work. At this point in my life, we are not at a place, financially, where that is an option. So, I need to work. But I don't know what it is I want to do.

See, part of the problem is that I have this law degree. That's great, right? It isn't. In fact, it is nothing but a huge pain in my ass at times, because there are people in my family who feel I should be "using" it. I am not licensed to practice in the state that I live in--I would have to sit and take the bar exam. I've done that, once. I passed. I waived into a different jurisdiction--I can actually practice in DC and in Maryland....just not here, in Virginia....and, having sat for bar exam, I have no desire to do it right now, because it sucks. It is hard. It takes a lot of studying. I don't have time for that. Oh, and it costs a LOT of money to prepare for it....something else we are kind of lacking at the moment.

So--what do I do? I've worked part time for the last 2 1/2 years, in philanthropy. It was great, but I was "let go" last month, which was actually a good thing. My boss was not easy to work for. I've been searching for a job for weeks. I'm feeling pressured to go full time. I don't want to. Selfish? It isn't about the work, it is about my kids. I know that there are millions of kids out there that are in child care and they are FINE. But, that isn't what I want for my kids. I could spend hours discussing why this is, but what it boils down to, is that I want to be around them....and I need to work....but I can't imagine someone else being there for all of their questions and smiles and moments. I just can't.

So, I am about to accept a job at a pay rate that is definitely below what I am "worth"...and it is because they offered me a part time position, for now. And, I can hear people, in my mind, wondering why I would make this decision...and it really is about my kids....but when I hear myself say that, I wonder if it is really about me.