and I am truly disgusted by the behavior of some Americans.

I love America. I, without a doubt, believe it is the greatest country in the world. I love what it stands for, I love the melting pot, I love the possibilities it breeds and I love the people who make up this great country. I believe, whole-heartedly, that people are inherently good and I believe that the people who make up the good old U.S. of A are definitely good--I have seen much of the good over the years. We are always the first to rally around those in need. We care. We love to help.

This week, however, I was saddened and disappointed by my fellow Americans. Not all of them. Just those who decided to act like complete and utter fools. I love that in America we can protest, demonstrate and voice our opinions openly. I love that we can say what we feel and not fear being shot or hurt or imprisoned. So, when the health care bill passed this week, I wasn't surprised to see that there were protests at the Capitol. That is what America is all about: you don't like something? March on down to Washington and hold a sign up. Love it. What horrified me, however, were the reports that our congressmen and women were being screamed at, called the "N" word, being spit upon and being called "faggots".

Here's the thing: I get that the passage of this health care bill is a dividing issue. It is a bit upsetting that it has polarized the country to the degree that it has, but that is the reality of the siutation. We'll get past it and move forward--we always do. But, I can't wrap my brain around spitting at and swearing at and shouting homophobic and racial slurs at thosw who were voted into office--no matter how upset we may be. I just can't. I have no problem with someone saying, "I hate this bill. I hate it. I hate what it is doing, it is stupid and badly drafted and it sucks." No issue with that whatsoever.....But, to stoop down to this level and act this way--what are we teaching our children? What are we saying? That if we don't like something, it is okay to throw a tantrum, act like an animal and become hateful?

The thing that irks me the most is that I have yet to see one Republican leader stand up and say, "KNOCK IT OFF. THIS BEHAVIOR IS RIDICULOUS AND UNACCEPTABLE." I have yet to see one of the right-wing talk show hosts say, "This behavior is wrong." To me, saying nothing is the equivalent of saying, "Good job!!"

I know conflict, turmoil and protest are not new concepts in this nation. I understand that we have been through difficult times and that people sometimes do not pull it together and act like we would hope and expect. I get that. But, I still remain ashamed and disgusted by these behaviors.

I see the Republicans and those who don't agree with the health care bill throwing these tantrums and just attacking, attacking, attacking. They are like rabid dogs. They get louder and louder and more vicious and spiteful and mean. Where does it end? How will it end?

My hope is that this bill does great things. I hope that it is the beginning of change. I hope that a few years from now, we look back and see this as a huge moment in history--a defining moment and a point in time that changed everything. That is my hope. But, my fear is that this rabid dog will keep on attacking and sooner or later, it will do a lot of damage--damage that may not be undone.

and I can't imagine...

I met some friends for lunch today at the snooty mall (Tysons II), which consists of the following anchor stores: Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Macy's and the Ritz Carlton (which isn't a store, but it is a huge part of the mall). I parked by one of the Neiman Marcus entrances.

After a lovely lunch, I had a little extra time before I had to get home to the kids, so I decided to stroll on through the shoe salon at Neiman Marcus, something I do maybe once, oh, every decade. I came across a beautiful table of shoes. The designer was Christian Louboutin. I've heard of him--he designs shoes that Oprah and Victoria Beckham wear. I've seen beautiful women wearing these shoes on the red carpet. So, I stand before the table of shoes--some very beautiful and some very funky--and I pick up a pair of good old fashioned black patent leather, peek-a-boo heels. Very cute. Beautiful, in fact. I liked them. I turned them over and instantly suffered a stroke.

After the blood rushed back into the left side of my body and I picked myself up off of the floor, I looked again at the bottom of the shoe. The price tag said, "$749". Dollars. Not $7.49...SEVEN HUNDRED FORTY NINE DOLLARS.

Okay, seriously? Maybe I have turned a corner in my life. Maybe I am a completely unhip suburban mom, now. Maybe I am just totally out of touch with reality, but really? That is the cost of the monthly mortgage on a small condo. That is four months of preschool payments. $749.00 is enough to feed my family for two months, easily.

So, who, exactly, is buying shoes at this price point? Who can afford to buy shoes that are 3/4 of a thousand dollars, in this recession? I looked around, and at 2:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday (on St. Patrick's day, no less) there were people trying these shoes on! Women all blinged out and over made up and sporting lots of diamonds. Who are these women? Are they the women who live in those enormous mansions along the Potomac River? Are they diplomat's wives? Are they from "old money" and able to live off of the interest of their bank accounts?

As I stood there, looking at these women, watching the shoe salesman salivate over them, I realized that even if I could spend $749 on one pair of shoes, I don't think I ever would. Not after what I have seen in my life. I couldn't do it. I can't imagine having that kind of money, but if I did, I know that I wouldn't be spending it on a pair of shoes.

Thank God for Target.

and I want it all....

I am smart. I know this. I have gone to school for twenty years. That, in and of itself, isn't what makes me smart--anyone can go to school. I would like to think I'm savvy and fairly street smart. I definitely have a good deal of common sense. People come to me looking for answers. My friends turn to me, often, for advice. My kids ask me questions that I know the answers to, and if I don't know the answer, I find it for them. Whenever I take one of those internet quizes on current events, I do really well. I read the paper (on-line), I watch the news, I keep up with most of what is going on in the world. I am invloved. When I was a kid, I was identified as "gifted". So, all of these factors lead me to believe that I am smart.

I'm smart, and yet, I have no freakin' idea what to do at the moment.

I love my girls, and given the opportunity, I would want to be a full-time, stay-at-home mom, who does some meaningful volunteer work. At this point in my life, we are not at a place, financially, where that is an option. So, I need to work. But I don't know what it is I want to do.

See, part of the problem is that I have this law degree. That's great, right? It isn't. In fact, it is nothing but a huge pain in my ass at times, because there are people in my family who feel I should be "using" it. I am not licensed to practice in the state that I live in--I would have to sit and take the bar exam. I've done that, once. I passed. I waived into a different jurisdiction--I can actually practice in DC and in Maryland....just not here, in Virginia....and, having sat for bar exam, I have no desire to do it right now, because it sucks. It is hard. It takes a lot of studying. I don't have time for that. Oh, and it costs a LOT of money to prepare for it....something else we are kind of lacking at the moment.

So--what do I do? I've worked part time for the last 2 1/2 years, in philanthropy. It was great, but I was "let go" last month, which was actually a good thing. My boss was not easy to work for. I've been searching for a job for weeks. I'm feeling pressured to go full time. I don't want to. Selfish? It isn't about the work, it is about my kids. I know that there are millions of kids out there that are in child care and they are FINE. But, that isn't what I want for my kids. I could spend hours discussing why this is, but what it boils down to, is that I want to be around them....and I need to work....but I can't imagine someone else being there for all of their questions and smiles and moments. I just can't.

So, I am about to accept a job at a pay rate that is definitely below what I am "worth"...and it is because they offered me a part time position, for now. And, I can hear people, in my mind, wondering why I would make this decision...and it really is about my kids....but when I hear myself say that, I wonder if it is really about me.

and I am amazed at how deeply this has affected me...

My mom called me this morning, which is a pretty normal occurence. She usually calls just about every morning. The conversations are normally fairly boring and uneventful--we both go over the plans for our day and I tell her what is on the agenda for the girls. Today, however, she called to let me know that a man named Ben had died.

Ben was the son of my minister when I was growing up. His father, Rev. Dan, was the minister at my church during the early years of my childhood...probably up until about 4th or 5th grade. Their family was amazing--they were good people. My memory of his wife Jean is of a woman with white hair and a big heart. Rev. Dan was a rock for my mom when my dad moved out. Their son, Ben, was seven years older than me, and he was my first crush. I remember him as this incredibly handsome, blonde-haired boy with a wide smile. Around 4th grade they decided to move on to another church. We were very sad to see them go. Several ministers have come and gone since then, but none touched the church like Rev. Dan and his family.

So, today my mom called and told me that Ben was dead. The last I had heard, he was a cop down on the Cape. I was immediately saddened. When my mom further explained that he had committed suicide, I felt sick and incredibly, deeply sad.

I looked him up on line, found his obituary and several articles about him. He was a hugely loved individual by all accounts. He had a beautiful wife, two gorgeous children and two beautiful step children. He had made it to detective and was trained as a rape officer. His superiors had nothing but wonderful things to say abou thim.

So, what happened? What caused this person to take his own life? Why would he do this--why would he leave his wife and four children to try and pick up the pieces of a shattered life?

I haven't seen Ben in over 25 years, but today I feel nothing but saddness and heaviness over his death. I can't explain it--he was sort of an icon in my life--that first big crush, the boy with the sandy blonde hair. His existence in my life was a fairly bright spot during some dark years while my parents divorced. He probably had no idea. I can remember blushing in his presence. I can remember him talking to me once at a church fair, in front of the penny candy table. I doubt he would have remembered me--I was a little girl while he was a teenager, but I always remembered him. And today, I am sad. Deeply sad.

and I see my daughter getting ready for the world.

I think I am like all decent mothers: I want better for my children and I want to believe that I am doing my best to give them a better life. I want to spare my girls from making all of the disasterous decisions I made in my life, while allowing them to grow and become their own person. And, I want them to grow into good people. Happy, kind, compassionate little women.

So, I try, really hard to curb my vocabulary, because, truthfully, I have a mouth that would make a sailor blush at times. I have worked incredibly hard to edit my thoughts before they leave my brain and escape my mouth, because I have been known to get into some trouble for my sharp tongue and brutal honesty. I don't ever criticize the way people look in front of my children (although I would be totally lying if I said that I don't constantly think in my head, "What was that person thinking when she got dressed this morning?"). I've gone over and over, ad nauseum, the importance of being kind, of using words that invoke warm fuzzies and not cold pricklies, and of being inclusive. All in all, I feel like I am doing my job.

But, I have to tell you, that there are a lot of moms out there who aren't. They can't be. Because their little darlings are mean. Mean little girls with biting tongues who seem to thrive on being cruel to other little girls or who find happiness and power in purposely being exclusive.

I remember this behavior when I was in junior high and high school. Perhaps a bit when I was in middle school. But my oldest daughter is 6 years old. That's it. And, she is not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but she is good and she is kind and as her mother, I want to shield her from these nasty little girls. Actually, if I am being honest, I want to grab them by the arm and explain to them that they are going to grow up to be miserable human beings, void of any depth or character, if they don't cut the shit. But, that would probably fall into the category of "crazy mommy behavior" and leave my daughter as something of a pariah. So, I just sigh, shake my head in amazement and agree with my daughter when she tells me about a "mean" little girl.

I see the wheels turning in my daughter's head when one of these episode's occurs. She is wondering why the other girls act this way. She is wondering why they are so mean. She wonders if she did something wrong. I see the wheels turning and I hope that somewhere, in that cute little head of hers, she categorizing the behavior as ugly and that she will remember to never treat someone in that way.

As I try and navigate my way through the beginning of my daughter's school career, I can't help but think that it is too early for her to be experiencing this and wondering if it is happening everywhere. I can't imagine it is exclusive to where we live. If it is happening everywhere, what is the reason? Why are little girls being so mean, so early on? They are too little to be so snarky and jaded...and if they are this nasty now, what is going to happen by junior high?